Lustro odpowiedź zna, gdzie jest to drugie "ja"..

Którą droga odejść stąd, która z nich jest zła?

I never said that we would live to see another day.. Motivate me.. What next? Tabula Rasa.

Scary. Really.. Lots of "what if"s. I wish I were home, and I wish home was here. Hopes up for Saturday. PLEASE. I wish that for once it'd go well. PLEASE!!!!

3 more weeks in here. Still not sure what to do. I wish there were things I was 100% sure about. It's been the best summer of my life so far. I'm almost sure about that. Everything that happened this summer was totally unexpected. Separation, the trip, Berkeley and now this. I can't even explain it. Weird feeling. I think I might have made the first GOOD choice in my life. Missing home a lot but already missing it here even though it's still a couple weeks to go. So little time, so much to do. And the vision of the next year, seems too perfect to be true. And now to get through this worst part of the year - fall. I'll probably go run on the street again when the first snow comes down. I so wish I could go to high school again, good times. It seems like life's been too generous to me and now I'm trying to pay back but I fail in everything I do. Hell yeah, I'm missing home. SOOOO MUCH. Thank God I have my sisters and brother. Everything'd be so much harder without them all. I also wish that there will come a day that I will be able to tell them how much I love them.

Been here for almost 2 months. Not sure what to think of this whole trip. Missing. In love. Broken down. Yeah, all at once.

It's almost time and I feel like staying. I'd like to just stop for a moment and clear my head out. They say every single person on the earth has a mission. But how is it true if nobody knows what the mission is about during their lives. When they die and find out what it was it's too late to complete it or do better. And why is that when you're down you start to think about things that really matter, you wonder what's your life about and then when you get out of the black hole you forget everyting and just live, do the same things things all over again like it's the sense of life. But then again what else is there to do? I really don't feel like going anywhere, I don't feel like adapting to that weird culture again and I don't feel like hearing 'how are you' every 5 minutes again. Not expecting anything exciting this summer, really, not anymore. 7 days left.

Once again, tight schedule! So much to do these days! I'm really hoping the idea with another festival will work out alright and we'll manage to prepare something really "special" We only need 9 more kids to join us and we can start practicing! Got the ticket which is like a passport to this big adventure park called "summer job thousands of miles away from home". I so regret now that I don't have a driving license, it'd be so much easier to move around :P Planes again, I hate being on board, I can't stand the fact that I'm being 100% dependent on the pilot and engine. So disturbing.

"Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line; tearing lives apart, breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time; and the eyes get red in the back of your head; this place will make you blind; put it all behind me and i'll be just fine." Enough said.

Still growing stronger, I think. I'd like to believe that. This might be the last time I will be heading west. I'll just try to make the best of it and then take care of things I should have taken care of long ago. Finally found out I can't transfer where I want. Took me 2 years to figure it out. That's maybe even better because I won't get my hopes up and then be disappointed again. I guess I'm going to have to start fresh in 2007. Sad, but true. I was listening to a song that reminds me of summer of 2004 the other day and for a moment I kind of felt what it was like then.. I felt like that time was the time when I could say I had a plan, I felt any motivation to go for what I wanted. 2 years later, 2 years older, I feel like I've lost it all somewhere. Weekends will be the the days to look forward to this month. And some time about 2 weeks from now I'll be walking the same streets I walked that summer, maybe I'll find the answers I left there. If I ever found out which side of me is the actual "me", it'd feel great, if I won't ever find the answer, fine, at least I can say I was trying..

I finally got it. I want to go snowboarding again! stupid college, fucked up schedule!!! My body totally hurts but I'm still alive, sadly. My life's a....?! there's not even a name for it! I so don't fit in, with anybody.

Już nie mogę.

I beg to differ. Never gonna change. I want to be alone. I'm such an idiot.

Amazing how the fact that I went through that horrible exam made me happy. I don't even know yet if I passed it or not, I'm just glad it's over, and I'm so not looking forward to finding out I failed but what will be will be.

I was wondering, actually I was trying hard to remember if ever really got to say the "i love you" formula and really meant it. Nah, never happened, those loved I think know how I feel about them, well I hope they do cause words don't come too easy to me. God only knows what it takes to squeeze this kind of words out of me.

Now I'm just crossing the days out to June, when the madness begins. YAY!

Looking back upon my life
Faded memories on the wall
Looking now at who I am (who am I?)
I don't let it get me down

3 left. I passed last two and now there's philosophy and finances on Friday and sociology on Tuesday and then.. We're heading for a place with hopefully lots of snow that's not yet totally iced. It's going to be near the Czech border so we'll probably just make our way there to go skiing. For now it's all wishful thinking as I haven't passed those three yet and if I fail at any of them I'll be stuck at home alone. yeah, well I like to think it's all going to work out and I'm so going to stay positive about it, even though it's already Wednesday and I only read through 4 out of 29 pages I have to memorize.

Enough about it. I came back to my crowd fear theory and it seems as if I'm not really making any progress trying to overcome it. Really, I still avoid crowds as much as I can, unless it's a gig type of crowd which I love, cause it's such a massive united anonymity. Whether you know any of the people there or not you're having a blast cause you have one major thing in common with all these people - you love the music. Of course it has to be a good gig, otherwise it all sucks.

The news is that my roommates are coming to the States this year too so I'm not going to be all that alone, which perfectly works for me. Ah, and all these mails from Dana and talking to her about the good and bad times we spent last summer make me wish it was already June even though I will be able to visit her only in october for a few days. It's pretty weird for me, this long distance friendship, I mean, I wish I could believe we will live somewhere near each other one day or at least hang out for more than just 2 or 3 days, but again, you can't have everything.

Yay, it's been quite some time and I haven't found any, let's say, interesting "object" if you can call that a man. Geez, I think I'm getting healthy and so not teenage anymore, and it feels so scary. I've always been dead scared of getting old. I need a break, a tear in time continuum to stop and figure out who I am and what I want to be if I want to be at all..   

FINALLY! Thursday was without a doubt the best day of this week.

FIRST EXAM. went pretty well, I mean from my point of view it was rather ok, but you can never be sure whether your professor will think the same way. Anyways, this one was pretty much a laugh since the whole class was some kind of a joke. I didn't even go to that one because my time's valuable so I went to play volleyball instead, and I think it was the right decision. The toughest exam is scheduled for this Friday , the class's called Finances and it's dead boring most of the time, I guess i'm gonna have to spend a great deal of time just pointlessly memorizing this stuff, what else can I do? The sad part is that even if I get through the exams without failing I won't really have a winter break which sucks so bad cause I was really hoping we'd have one this year as all of the other universities do. But no, my school's so not humanitarian!

HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. It feels so darn nice to get your old friends together all in one place after pretty much two years now and just talk about how it used to be and how it is now. It's great to notice how we've all changed and how we've moved forward to another stage and it all came so naturally, it's kinda amazing, you know. We've had a laugh and we had moments we just sighed thinking back at how fun it was back then, very relaxing indeed. 

Anyhow if I get things done by February 7th it's going to be only better, hopefully. You never know though, shit happens. About the title now, there's two meanings of it. First one, pretty obvious I think, the literal meaning of it is connected with my summer travel; I don't really know yet where I'm going to work, i just know it's going to be in the States, but I mean, there's tons of states in there and where's the wind going to blow me this year? No clue, and I won't find it out until March, damn! And then there's second meaning. The question kinda refers to the life as the whole process of making decisions, moving around, being here and there and yes, finding your way. All I want is to be able to say one day that I found my way. Oh, and it seems I'm not going to die as soon as I thought, my blood's fine. All of you who had my inheritance on mind can go bugger off, duh. I'm totally broke anyway.

here we are, entering the time of the year that reminds us the most how much we loved high school! let's just get through it fast and painlessly. that's all i ask for. and i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one to wish it was February 12th already. the schedule's not too tight this year which i regret of course cause that means i'll have to go 107 km back and forth 3 more times in the next 2 weeks! well then, off to.. ? i bet you know the answer already.

I'll write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and that unspoken feeling
of knowing that right now is all that matters.

I did it again. Applied again. Paid this shit lot of money and signed the contract. Here we go again, I found a reason to pass exams this winter :P This time I'm going ALL alone so this way I'll have to break the ice and actually start talking to people, who cares in what language, I can learn chinese if that's what it takes..

What will I miss this summer? Well, as always there will be lots going on! My sister's going on a yacht voyage right up in the northern lakes of our country so I could go with her, then my family will probably visit all of our friends from all of different parts of europe probably including Italy so I could enjoy Rome once more in my life. But no, I'm giving it all up again just to go to the States and God only knows what made me do it. Ok, I'm pretty sure it was San Francisco that made me change my mind about the States and sign up for this programme once again. Only this time I'll be flying somewhere else, I can only wish it will be in Cali but you never know where the wind will blow you so I might end up somewhere in the middle of the country but anyway it's gonna be something different. I'm sick of doing same things every year.

I really do like the idea of dropping this university and going to the school in my hometown. It might not be public and expensive but the costs are similiar to the costs of living away from home so.. The only thing is that I'd lose 2 years of my life but for what I feel they're already lost. It's been nothing but pain in the ass. Here I could be in a place I really love, I'd be at home and I'd be studying something I'm actually interested in. I mean, aren't these years supposed to be the best in my life cause they're sure not for 9 months a year. I swear to God there is nothing I hate more than this university and this city. And it's not because I have some problems with learning or whatever, not even because of the people cause I know some great people that really make my day while I'm there, it's just that weird feeling inside that makes me want to cry everytime. just too many bad memories, maybe not even bad memories..it's just memories, I've got a weird feeling that if I stay there like everybody wants me to, and finish the school I'll end up being a fucked up 24 year old greedy, annoying, lonely bitch. If I could just raise enough money to do anything at all, just to getaway.

I never really had any idea of what would my future look like and I gotta say that now the image of my future is even more blurry than 5 years ago when I was entering high school. I guess I'm gonna sweep the pavements in the end. I couldn't care less.

And so you could ask if there is anything that makes me feel happy then? Yes, what makes me really happy is those 3,5 days a week when I'm home, every saturday when I spend the time with the kids, every Sunday which reminds of how lucky I am to have everything I have and every Monday that makes me love my family even more and hate the fact that I have to leave the next day. Every minute that I spend with any of those poeople and every minute I hear the music I love is the best minute of my life, everytime I get to learn something that's usueful, something I've been curious about for a long time, some facts that I've never known about that simply blow my mind.. this is what I love. But life's not only pleasure, I know, you gotta work to but why the hell can't I just do what I love and do it for living?

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right

i think i know the answer but i like to think i don't know it..

i've just reached the bottom. i'm down like i've never been before, you can just spit on me, insult me or whatever, i don't care, it's not like i ever cared at all. it'm more or less like... 'shoot me'

i have a bad BAD luck, and it seems it won't go away too soon so i might aswell just sit down and cry now cause i know what's gonna happen next

i guess all it comes down to is ... i'm not happy at all, i feel like i'm on the wrong planet cause everyone seems to be enjoying this thing called reality when in fact it's just a show. it's just showing other people how cool and colorful your lifestyle is, how much you got, how you made it, measured by how wide you smile when inside it's just a one big circus. it's paranoid. or maybe i'm trying to find smeone to put the blame on for not giving me any tips on what you should do to find your path. at this stage i don't think i'm able or willing to search anymore. i think i'm giving up. and i hate myself for doing so. THE END

too lazy and too grouchy to do anything at all.

another year, another Christmas, but different people. at least at school till like the last year of high school it seemed that people can't really change that much. WRONG. they can but the funny thing is that you can change for worse in a week, but changing for better takes a lot more time, months or years.
is it possible to get lazier than just lazy? if i had any motivation to do what i'm doing it'd feel so much better.

shit! best word to describe the majority of the people in the net (<26): PATHETIC! since i happen to be a human being too, at the age of 20, well then...so am i. yes i am pathetic, i know i'm dumb too and i sure as hell know that all the things i say don't mean shit to anyone but at least i'm not pround of any of it. i just hope i'm not as pathetic as some of the kids in the net. i'm starting to truly fully support the whole "pokemons are not welcome" idea! i love kids, i really do. i've spent past 5 years dealing with a bunch of kids age 5-17 and at least i can be sure that 15 out of 20 i took care of won't ever be clasified as pokemon. >

I think I made a decision though I don't yet know if I did the right thing. I've paid 1/4 of the price and now the time's on the other side. Anyhow it's again, something to look forward to. I can only hope next summer will be better than this of 2005! I mean, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as I expected it to be. Well maybe apart from the trip to Cali, but I still can't believe I've actually been there. It was better than I could have ever imagined! And I'm glad I went to the Sacramento gig instead of the one in Boston! even though it cost me 3x the price I'd have paid for it.

I just think it was big for little me. Alone in San Francisco, 6000 miles away from home, I didn't know anybody, a trip I arranged myself, for $500 - 1/5 of all the money I made this summer, nobody to come and find me, for the very first time in my life I felt like I really did what I really wanted too and I tasted freedom. I found out how small this world is, how small a man is in this world is and... how beautiful SF is. Add a blast at GD's concert and you get the image of a perfect vacation getaway. I had the time of my life!

I know we're not supposed to make plans for the far future but for now, I know I really want to visit my friend in England in February and I know I want to meet Dana somewhere in the US. Whether it will be in N.Carolina, Boston, NH or San Francisco, I don't care. I just feel like I miss talking to her.

I've got only one wish for next year. I wish it'd be happier than 2005 which was sure happier than 2004 but... I just wish everything could get back to normal but I know it never will cause there's one person missing..

"Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me"

days go by but leave nothing, not even a blurry memory.. nothing.

it seems i can't really break that something inside of me that makes me hate people, i don't know what's wrong with me, i dom't know why i don't feel like walking up to anyone at all just to say hi like everyone else does, cause i don't have anything to say to them.. we can start talking but it's a minute, two and we run out of topics.. it's probably my fault but i just don't enjoy discussing same old shit every single day, like hi, how are you? did you learn much for today? what about that girl, what about that guy... i don't care for this stuff, i know i am selfish but i sure as hell am not the only selfish person on this planet!

it's been 2 months and this is the time when you actually start to miss somebody, and i think i start to miss my buddy, yeah, i do miss her..

i miss her and i'll miss my other friend and probably i'll miss them all one day when i'll get out of here and start something for my own. i hate goodbyes, especially when i know that i either won't ever see that person again or even if i will, it will be too short.. why can't everyone have a couple friends glued to them so that everywhere one goes the others must follow..

geez! i wish they all could stop talking and try listening before they try to open their mouth. it's just annoying, nothing really smart, nothing inspirational, just crap!

i'm so not changing my mind

everything's going wrong again. i know it can't always be pretty but why do i feel like the world's picking on me?! i'm so lost again, more than ever! i know i say that everytime but oh well it's not like anybody's listening to me anyway

if i could just turn back time and stop it like.. 2 years ago or at least turn it back to do some things differently.. things would be so much better now

it's all my fault

the only thing that isn't my fault and i had no influence on whatsoever is the fact that the world's gone mad, people went crazy and we're living in hell now.

i'm taking off

Boxed up
All of her favorite things
Sold the rest at a rainy yard sale
Big plans and leaving friends and
A westbound sign
Weighed out
Her choices on a scale
Prevailing nothing made sense
Just transportation and a
Blank decision...

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...

No time and no copping out
She's burning daylight and petrol
Blacked out the rearview mirror
Heading westward on
Strung out
On confusion road
And ten minute nervous breakdowns
Xanex a beer for thought
And she determined...

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...

Is it salvation?
Or an escape from discontent?
Will she find her name
In the California cement?
Punched out of the grind
That punched her one too many times...
Is tragedy 2000 miles away?

it's like 'almost' bout me.. i mean that's exactly my plan

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!

yeah, i've modified natasha a little bit, it sounds way more sincere now. i'm sick of this all again..

i didn't know she was like that, i had no idea
seriously if i'd known it before i would have done it differently, like, to be miles away from her 'cause now it's all fucked up and i don't fucking enjoy it anymore but i guess she doesn't notice that, oh well, i guess i can keep it up for another couple of weeks